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| Don't be put off if it doesn't look as good as this. Don't forget expectations never live up to reality. |
You will need:
· A tin of beans. Any beans, I’m not fussed, Heinz or Aldi, Asda or Tesco. So long as they’re not Smart Price...
· 3 slices of brown bread. You will need 2 normal slices and 1 end slice
· A small pot is all that’s needed
· A toaster
· A large plate because the beans go everywhere and a small plate just isn’t big enough
· Margarine
· A knife (you can use a giant knife if you want to but it’s just for cutting a slice of toast in half)
· A kettle
· A large white cup that says “Tea” on it
· A teabag (some form of green tea or just normal breakfast tea)
· Tin opener
Method
1. First of all you’ll need to grab a tin of beans from the cupboard and use your snazzy tin opener to open it.
2. Once you’ve done that you can pick up the small pot and pour the beans into it in a sexy way that puts all other domesticated women to shame. Only you can make beans as nice as you can.
3. Put the pot on the cooker, the right ring at the front, and turn the knob to 6 and quickly put a normal slice of the brown bread and the end slice and push down the lever-y switch thing that turns the toaster on.
4. Now run over to the cutlery drawer and grab that spoon you forgot and stir the beans to make sure they don’t burn to the bottom of the pot and here comes the complicated bit:
5. While stirring you should put the kettle on and put the teabag into the cup. Remain calm. You know how stressed out get when you try to multitask but this shizz is easy. You can do this.
6. Now wait.
7. Oh no! You’ve left the beans on for too long on a high heat! Quickly turn the heat down to 4... no 3... no... better turn it down to 2. Actually just take the pot off the ring and wait for the toast.
8. “Pop!” That’s the sound of the toast popping up, so quickly handle the hot goods like a bomb and carry them over to your plate and smack them down there, grab the last slice and stick it in the toaster too and run back to the other two slices and butter!!! Quickly before the toast cools down or the butter won’t melt into that delicious golden goodness that never fails to make your mouth water... Sorry, I’m digressing...
9. Nom, nom, lick your buttery fingers. Don’t ask why they’re buttery because there’s no known answer to that question.
10. Now put the beans back onto the ring (which you’ve left at no.2) and wait for the last slice.
11. While waiting you should cut the normal slice in half and put the end slice in the middle of the plate, with the two half pieces of toast on either side of it.
12. Lick your buttery fingers again.
13. Okay, the toast should be ready now. Nope. Okay, it should be ready now! Nope... Okay, screw it, this slice can be slightly less cooked from the rest. Butter it up and slice it in half too, put two halves on the other sides of the end slice. You’ve got a toast flower!!!
14. Now pour the beans over the top of the end slice in the middle of the plate and leave a small amount of beans left in the pot. Enough so that it’s counted as wasted food but also too little for anyone else to enjoy a substantial meal out of.
15. “Click!” That would be the sound of the kettle switch bouncing back into place, letting you know that the water is now boiled. Pour yourself a nice cuppa and if it’s green tea you don’t need to add any milk, but maybe add a teeny bit of cold water so it doesn’t scald your delicate little tongue, dear.
16. Grab a knife and a teaspoon - you can use the one you used to make your tea, just run it under the tap to get rid of any tea flavour – and put them haphazardly onto the plate, while also balancing your plate on your arm and the cup on the hand of that same arm, now work your magic and open the difficult door handle with just one hand... You’re amazing.
And Voila!
Perfection.
